It's been some time since I posted an update. Life just got busy - for very good reason - but still it meant that there were things that I wanted to keep up with but I didn't manage to in the way that I would have liked. That I wasn't able to honour them in the way I wanted doesn't reflect that they are of lesser importance to me - in fact it emphasised how very important they were: what keeps me grounded; what is the space in which I feel most at peace; and what I really want to work hard to focus on this year - despite how busy I might get.
You might remember 2015 started with a bright new word - Blossom. In the whitewash of January 2015 I wrote:
Blossom speaks to me of being exactly where I am meant to be, doing exactly what I am meant to be doing, and of having trust and faith in that process, even though it may make no sense to me at the time. It speaks of beauty and the harmony of nature, and gives me a sense of being alive, supported, and connected. It speaks to me of believing in my own goodness and beauty, and the value I bring.
And oh how I blossomed in 2015. How I sunk into the idea of just being and believing. Of stepping out in my own way, of having faith in that and knowing it was okay; more than okay, it was me. How I gained courage from that idea! That I could be, just as I was, and in a way which made absolute sense to me. in a way which gave me joy. How I learned to ask - what if? What if I just did this? If I ignored all those voices who gave me a million and one reasons as to why not? What If? What if I just gave in and believed in me? Believed in my journey? What If?
So in 2016 I again turned to Sussanah Conway and her 'Find Your Word' process. The exercise was exactly the same. But what a different process I encountered this time around. Remembering back to 2015, I anticipated an easy time. Visualise your perfect day and the words will come. So I started the visualisation. But all that happened was that I drifted off and really didn't get anything about my ideal day. What was that about I thought? After a bit of thinking I realised that I had gone into the exercise with some preconceptions about what I thought my word SHOULD be. ... that SHOULD word - first clue that this was not going to go as I thought! I had spent a year with an inward looking word, focusing on what I needed to exist in the world in a way that supported me. Surely 2016 was about going out and grabbing it all! Action-focused -that's what is was about! Living life! Get out and do all these amazing things! Be brave!
But the find my word process told me another story. I couldn't get past the visualisation to my perfect day, because my perfect day was not external; it existed within me. It was about those things within myself that needed to be nourished and nurtured. I didn't even get to the second sentence in the visualisation before I had wandered off in my head. And all my journalling was about bringing myself back to my centre; to my creative self; to what I had in the past referred to as my creative radiance.
So I sat with that. And in many ways resisted that. But I still wanted to honour the process, so I continued. In looking at the list of words Sussanah provided I was drawn to 'Goddess'. And if you have read some of my earlier entries you will know this is a word which has entered my world before - Mahuika and the sacred flames. So I did some research and this is what I found:
Goddess energy is our creative flow: unconditional love, pleasure, passion, wisdom. When we claim our goddess energy we live in joyful self acceptance, self respect and listen to our innermost being.
And I thought - that is exactly what I am trying to say in my journalling. And then there was this, a beautiful link to my 2015 word:
There comes a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
When we bring our attention back to discovering who we are on the inside, not who we wish we were, or who we think we should be, we begin the sacred power of transformation toward our innate authentic embodied power.
So Goddess Radiance it is for 2016.
And even as I write that I feel a little twinge.
Am I really worthy to hold such words upon my shoulders?
How will I use those words?
And it is in asking those questions,
feeling that resistance,
wanting to run,
I know that my words have found me.