April 2015 ... thoughts from an age ago ... a moment in time ... a reminder of faith ... in one's journey ... in one's words ... in one's heart ... in knowing there is always somewhere important to go ...
April 5 2015 – Thoughts
It seems I have come to a place of ordinariness; of nothingness. I have no life achievements of note; no room to say, my children are my greatest achievement for it has not been my destiny to be blessed with them. And for the most part I am alright with that. But I do wonder about it. What then is my purpose? Where is my place in the world. The many corners I feel drawn to, but are in fact too fearful to venture to. The jobs I feel called to, but for which I have no qualifications. The feeling of being stuck. Of being empty and not knowing which step I should take next, in what direction, for what purpose. Not just not knowing, but really NOT KNOWING. Of having no idea. Not one idea. Of feeling paralysed into indecision because the options seem faint. Maybe it is an outline I can see. But I can’t quite be sure. So I have to stare very hard. Maybe they are there. But still I am not sure. And I need to be sure. How can I move without being sure? What is left to fall back on? Who is left to fall back on? All these questions swirl and coalesce in my head. I so wish they would find a spot they like and settle and make themselves comfortable. But no, they continue to swirl. Making me dizzy and incomplete. They move in the hope that something may change. That there will be a transformation into something recongiseable, something of substance which offers a sense of comfort and familiarity, something to reach out to.
So where is it that I go from here?